The Journey to reach

Mt. Everest

The First 500 Days  /   500 + Days

September 6, 2003

Day One

I'm still bogged down in Apartment # 2 in Denver, Colorado.  I was scheduled to depart for Nepal this morning but I can't find anyone to water my plants. Stupid neighbors. A crushing setback. In order to boost my sagging morale I rented the video Working Girl.  Goodness can that Melanie Griffith act.  

September 9, 2003  Day 3

I solved my plant watering dilemma. But in doing so I now must house sit my neighbor's cat, Lady Winky, for the next ten days. Stupid cat.  I'm concerned this delay is making me soft. In order to maintain my mental edge I will sleep without pillows.  I truly am the doyen of adventure!

September 10, 2003 Day  4

What was I thinking?  My neck really, really hurts.  I've decided to abandon my idea of sleeping without pillows under the justification of health. 

September 15 , 2003 Day 9

Received a letter from Sir Edmond Hillary, the first man to scale Everest! He calls me "an  imbecilic saphead with all the mountain acumen of a Lebanese mud turtle" for even considering scaling Everest in the fall. What a delicious jokester!

September 18, 2003 Day 12

Only one more day of house sitting Lady Winky.  Dumb cat. Its mere presence strains my resolve.  Used the time today to research the climb. Wow.  Major shock. Mount Everest's summit harbors neither a snack wagon nor a welcome center. Crushing disappointment.  Must issue letter of protest to Nepal's Parks and Recreation Department. 

September 19, 2003 Day 13

Returned Lady Winky minus the tip of its tail. Owner very upset. In retrospect I shouldn't had tested my crampons near its water bowl.  Stupid cat. I'm now free, however, to depart for Mount Everest.  I'd leave tonight but I don't want to miss Fox TV's Temptation Island. 

September 30, 2003 Day 24

It is already Day 24 of this Mount Everest climb and I have still not ascended the summit.  This climb is tougher than I thought.    

October 1, 2003 Day 25

Need to secure sponsors.  Must begin writing letters immediately. I'll give IMAX, North Face, and Mountain Hardware first crack. 

October 2, 2003 Day 26

Mailed sponsor letters two hours ago and still no word. Stupid Post Office. Did they not see the word "urgent" scrawled on the envelope? My empty mail box mocks me. Mount Everest has turned into a far more trickier foe than I expected!

October 3, 2003 Day 27

To strengthen mental toughness  I've decided to subject myself to Everest-like conditions. I will now quarter inside my pitched  tent from the apartment's living room floor and lower the thermostat to 61 degrees.  From this point forth my residence will now be referred to as Apartment #2/Base Camp 1-A. I truly am the jetsam of jeopardy!

October 4, 2003 Day 28

The perils of Apartment #2/Base Camp 1-A became dangerously apparent when I awoke in the middle of the night delirious with sweat and gripped by an unquenchable thirst. Fearing cerebral edema I summoned enough strength to crawl out of the tent and retrieve a juice box from the refrigerator. It was only then that my medically acute mind realized I was not suffering from cerebral edema at all,  but instead that my sleeping bag's 20-below temperature rating was too warm for the living room floor. Relieved to have escaped death I celebrated by eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. 

October 5, 2003 Day 29

Decided that if I'm to live the life of dare and danger I must sport a look of dare and danger. Hence, I will delay departure until I grow a beard. 

October 11, 2003 Day 35

Read today that frostbite is a common consequence with Mount Everest climbers. To test my unyielding will I blackened my toes with a magic marker to learn if I can handle such a visual malady. To no surprise I was unfazed. Everest, I'm sure, has never met such an audacious adversary as I, the Prince of Peril!

October 17, 2003 Day 41

North Face rejected my generous sponsor invitation. If I were not gripped in the anxious midst of such a daring expedition I would sue them for libel.  How dare they refer to me as an "unqualified, delusional quack with all the grit of a Lands' End summer catalogue." The fools.  Did they not read my resume? Did they not see that I am the world record holder for the 17 yard dash? Granted it was wind aided and no one else has ever timed for such a distance, but that is not the point. To cushion the gnaw of this unexpected setback  I allowed myself the rare luxury of sleeping with the thermostat set at 73.

October 19, 2003 Day 43

While defrosting the refrigerator's freezer by chipping away ice with my crampons I inadvertently punctured a freon tube, filling the air with chlorofluorocarbons.  Stupid crampons.  I checked three times and no where on them does it warn "Do Not Use To Defrost Refrigerators."  

October 23, 2003 Day 47

My watch reads 4:19AM. Sleep remains elusive. The howling window fan outside my tent whips against  it with menacing ambition. "Hold on," I keep reminding myself, "hold on." I feel like George Clooney in The Perfect Storm, only under much more dangerous conditions. At least he had a life jacket.  

October 24, 2003 Day 49

Mount Everest continues to be one cagey  adversary.  Today, while taking some needed rest from the pressures of the climb, a common bee pounced upon me while I hiked to 7/11 to purchase a roll of Necco wafers. The mind reeled with confusion.  No where in any of the books on Mount Everest had I read about climbers encountering bees. Consequently, I was caught with my guard down. Before I could thwart this premeditated attack  I was viciously stung once along the left ankle. The pain was like no pain I had ever experienced before. I am convinced this bee stalked me.  I'm positive I witnessed it outside my kitchen window seven days prior.   

October 25, 2003 Day 50

I assessed yesterday's apocalyptic bee assault and concluded that my three-week beard makes me look too dangerous.  Even common bees perceive me as a threat.  Hence, I reluctantly shaved it off today.  

October 26, 2003 Day 51

My leg remains puffed with bee venom.  Departure for Nepal must again be delayed.  To ease the mind from this devastating setback I took comfort in decorating Apartment #2/Base Camp 1-A for Halloween.  Since I did not have a jack-o-lantern I placed two cans of  pumpkin pie filling in the front window.  I truly am the dictionary of decorating!

October 27, 2003 Day 52 Read today that Everest towers over 29,000 feet. Wow. To recreate the aura of sleeping above tree line tonight I'll move all my houseplants to the floor and my tent to the top of my futon.

October 31,  2003 Day 56

Some prankster slipped into Apartment #2/Base Camp1-A when I was not looking and soaped the tent's mesh flaps. Stupid trick-or-treaters. I bet Sir Edmund Hillary never had to dispense treats during his climb. Regardless, there were more costumed visitors than I anticipated. Consequently, after exhausting  my supply of  bouillon cubes I was forced to improvise by handing out orange construction cones and telling the kids it was very large candy corn. 

November 2, 2003 Day 58 A viciously cold morning at Base Camp 1-A. The thermostat registered only 61 degrees. Thoughts of aborting the climb entered the skull.

November 5, 2003 Day 63

IMAX rejected my offer for exclusive film rights. They claim, and I quote, "Filming a game of Candyland would possess more drama and daring."  The fools.  Don't they realize I'm a contemporary Captain Kurtz wandering into the true Heart of Darkness? Not daring? I'll give them daring.  Tonight I'll sleep with the battery removed from Apartment#2/Base Camp 1-A's smoke detector. I truly am the hustler of hazard!

November 8, 2003 Day 66

Read today many of the climbers who ascend Everest  distinguish  themselves by being the "first. " Already Everest has witnessed the first blind climber, the first female climber, the first climber without aid of oxygen and so on and so on.  I need to devise a hook. 

November 9, 2003 Day 67

After much thought I've narrowed my "hooks" down to the following: 1) The first climber to ascend Everest with a Sherpa named "Tony." 2) The first climber to ascend Everest while carrying a backpack laden with radishes. 3) The first climber to ascend Everest while dressed as a pirate.   

November 16, 2003 Day 74

Published a help wanted ad in the Denver Post today.  It reads: "Seeking a Sherpa named 'Tony.' Must enjoy minus 70 degree wind-chill,  temporary snow blindness, and constant hat hair. Not afraid of heights is a plus."  It won't be long, only a matter of minutes, I'm sure, before the phone commences ringing.

November 19, 2003 Day 77

My help wanted ad has now run for three days and I have yet to receive one inquiry. Stupid Denver Post. 

November 28, 2003 Day 86

Read today that snow blindness  is a common malady on the mountain. To establish retina immunity  I will stare at a 100 watt light bulb for seven consecutive hours today.  I truly am the hotbed of hazard!

November 29, Day 87

What was I thinking? My eyes are locked in permanent wince.  I'm so blinded I feel like a sick mole emerging into sunlight after seven months of hibernation. This morning I mistook the TV for the microwave oven and spent two hours attempting to insert a baked potato into the Magnavox.   

December 8, Day 96

Eureka. The climb received a major boost today.  Doug's Dairy Bar from down the street has agreed to sponsor my epic undertaking  with three pairs of wool socks and a coupon for a free medium soft drink.  Touché  North Face and IMAX. 

December 12, Day 100

I have hit the century mark of this climb and still have yet to catch even a passing glimpse of the elusive summit. I never expected Everest to be so difficult.  It's a testament to my brawny will that I'm still climbing and even alive. To celebrate I dined at Appelbee's and discovered the true taste of Mexico with a chicken fajita. 

December 21, Day 109

Read today that thin air ranks as the most troublesome barrier for Everest's climbers to overcome.  To bulwark thin air endurance I will wear a Safeway produce bag over my head for 24 hours straight.  I truly am the orchard of omen!

December 22, Day 110

What was I thinking!  After 10 minutes the lungs began to sear.  After 15 minutes I inexplicably found myself watching the Oxygen channel. And after 20 minutes the mind swirled into a series of horrific hallucinations involving playing tether ball with Barbara Bush.  Stupid bag. 

 December 23, Day 111

Too busy climbing for elaborate Christmas decorations. As a display of holiday spirit, however, for lights I parked the car in the driveway with the hazards blinking.

December 25, Day 113

In honor of Christmas I  hiked to my parent's house and pitched my tent on a level spot on the dining room floor. Mom became vexed when I began pounding tent stakes through the carpeting but calmed after she realized the precautions one must exercise while scaling Everest.  Dad, however, erupted when I began hacking branches off of the Christmas tree for tent floor insulation purposes. 

December 26, Day 114

Bolstered by the magic of Christmas money I decided that the time is now for making a lunge at Everest's summit. Tomorrow I exit Apartment #2/Base Camp 1-A!

December 27, Day 115

Intended to break camp today but got too hung up on unscrambling the Jumble puzzle in this morning's Denver Post.  Tomorrow I definitely exit. Must alert the local press.

December 28, Day 116

After waiting four hours for the local press I decided I could no longer delay my date with danger. And so at 10:17 A.M. mountain time I exited the security of Apartment #2/Base Camp 1-A and stepped into the unknown.  "The cloak of cowardice has no room in my closet" I bellowed as a crossing guard escorted me across Logan Avenue.  

With crampons clattering for purchase against Denver's cement sidewalks I covered two miles in three hours. Euphoria swept the mind.   By mile three, however, I realized I had forgotten to pack my favorite Oral B red toothbrush and rode a taxi back to Apartment #2/Base Camp 1-A.

December 29, Day 117

Exited Apartment #2/Base Camp 1-A at 11:49 A.M. and once again began trekking west. To underscore my disregard  for Everest's alleged perils I symbolically crossed every busy street without aid of a crossing light.  I truly am the rebel of risk! 

January 1, 2004 Day 120

The new year arrived with new dangers. In my haste to gain lost time I attempted a shortcut through a suburban middle-class neighborhood about six miles west of Apartment #2/Base Camp 1-A. But as I began scaling a backyard fence  two apricot poodles suddenly attacked.  Their flaring canines chomped at my heels with obscene wrath, reminding me of an inland version of Jaws during really low tide. But after quick-wittedly bellowing, "No!"  in a disciplinary tone I distracted these two messengers of death just enough to flee the fence and scramble up a sycamore tree.  Consequently, I spent the next two days on a sturdy branch. 

January 3, Day 122

Finally descended from sycamore tree. To reward myself for cunningly escaping death I attempted to purchase a Snickers bar, but was rudely escorted out of 7/11 for puncturing their tile floor with my crampons.

January 9, Day 128

With my 51 pound backpack and clambering crampons I trekked through the Westminster Mall today.  Felt the stares and heard the whispers of many--no doubt amazed to witness the personification of double dog dare defiance itself. Realizing a celebrity was in their midst a team of uniformed security men escorted me outside and across the mall parking lot and then wished me good luck in their own way by shouting "Don't come back!"  I attempted to rescind this honor by offering to sign autographs, but the guards realized the long journey I faced and screamed "Get the hell out of here!"  Must make mental note to send thank you card upon returning from Everest.

January 15, Day 134

Finally reached the foothills outside of Denver. I am now only 14, 904 miles from Everest's summit!  Can you hear me knocking Lady Everest? Uh-huh, I think you can.  

January 17, Day 136

Perhaps I overestimated the friendliness of the Colorado people.  To gain lost time I attempted to hitch a ride along Interstate 70 by displaying a large cardboard sign that read "NEPAL."  Not one vehicle stopped.   Too vague, perhaps?  Tomorrow's sign shall read "KATMANDU, NEPAL." I truly am the maxim of marketing!

January 18, Day 137

My celebrity as one of the world's greatest mountain climbers burdens me with embarrassment.  Within seconds of positioning along Interstate 70 with my new cardboard sign a state trooper stopped.  "Isn't Katamandu out of your district?" I joked.  But the officer was clearly too nervous standing in my esteemed presence to comprehend jest and demanded I get in the back of his vehicle. He apparently feared my presence would cause a media crush along the Interstate and gum traffic in both directions.  After only two miles he curiously deposited me in front of a Greyhound bus station and finally loosened up by shouting, "Leave Colorado you damn vagrant!" What grand wit!

January 27, Day 146

Reached the mountain village of Evergreen, nestled 18 miles west of Denver.  Except for the cars, trucks, strip malls, billboards, fast food restaurants, golf courses, multi-level homes, apartment complexes, tennis courts, and gas stations it embraces all the characteristics of a quintessential mountain village that makes its living from Mount Everest trekkers. 

January 28, Day 147

Not one single Evergreen resident spoke Nepalese in my presence! Their precise command of the English language shocks me! I feel a strange kinship with these mountain people. I think I'll rest here for a few days. 

January 31, Day 150

Made the mistake of pitching my tent in a grassy meadow at night. Woke this morning in the middle of a high school gym class soccer game. 

February 3, Day 153

It is now Day 153.  I've been climbing Everest for five months and have yet to pass any other climbers. My western approach must be too radical of an ascent for all other trekkers. I truly am the rogue of risk!

February 11, Day 161

Madam Everest continues to be one wily minx. This afternoon she surprised me with a cattle guard. I say surprised because I don't recall Sir Edmund Hillary mentioning cattle guards in his storied accounts of Everest. Hmmm? And crampons, I quickly learned, were not designed for traversing cattle guards. Consequently, I resembled a three-hoofed Holstein calf wearing Bauer hockey skates while attempting  to cross, falling repeatedly.  A herd of dairy cows from across the field stared at me with mocking eyes.  Stupid bovines.  Sometimes they think they are so cool. 

February 17, Day 167

Reached the storied mountain village of Idaho Springs.  Despite being at least 25 miles west of Denver  I'm shocked to see how American culture pervades at this altitude.  Everyone speaks precise English and the stores even carry Little Debbie chocolate snack cakes.  World travel truly is an eye-opening experience.

February 21, Day 171

Decided to hold in Idaho Springs for precautionary reasons after learning my Marmot tent is designed for only three seasons. Before continuing I need to know which season my tent lacks.  My guess is spring. 

February 24, Day 174

Still no answer from Marmot.   Faulty phone lines plague their home office. Every time I inquire about my tent's season issue I immediately lose connection. After the sixty-fifth call I wondered if they were perhaps hanging up on purpose, but quickly stomped out this foolish thought when--"duh"--I remembered I'm 25 miles outside of Denver at 7,100 feet. My remote mountain location is too extreme for phone service.  I truly am the  drumfire of deduction!

February 27, Day  177

A savage winter storm  thwarts exit from Idaho Springs. For safety reasons I have pitched my tent in room 126 of a Motel 6 on the leeward side of a queen bed. Despite such precautions conditions remain grim.  Even though the room's thermostat is set at 96 degrees it only feels like 87. Must remain resolute.

February 29,  Day 179

The winter storm continues to rage. Still stuck inside my tent in room 126. Tried lifting drooping morale by watching the Oscars. How many awards are there?  After hour two I began expecting to see a category for "Best Use of an Appetizer in a Foreign Film."

March 1, Day 180

The storm finally abated--moving day!  Despite what the local weatherman called "sloppy conditions" I braved the perils of several passing flurries before reaching the tiny mountain village of Empire.  By my estimates I am now only a little over 77-million horizontal feet from the base of Everest!  

March 4, Day 183

Took a side trip by experiencing one of Colorado's famed hut trips. Met a guide in Silverthorne then snowshoed over to Pizza Hut. I was unimpressed. The deep dish pizza, however, was delicious. 

March 9, Day 188

Crested Vail Pass at over 10,000 feet!  The thin mountain air seared my stretched lungs with every breath. The pain was intense times six. Death felt so perilously close I shut my eyes in cold resignation and asked the heavens above to make it quick. But just as I did the lady sitting next to me on the Greyhound bus boxed me across the ears and demanded I not rest my head on her shoulder.  

March 10, Day 189

The police in Vail drive Saabs. When I first spotted one flashing its lights behind me as I hiked along the south Frontage Road the mind flooded with euphoria. I thought the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol had found me.  But instead of a check I received a $75 ticket for vagrancy.  Stupid Vail cops. Don't they know who I am?

March 12, Day 191 

To prove to the Vail villagers I'm friendly I visited one of its schools with the intent of dispensing pens to its school children.  It must have been exam day or something.   After just two minutes I was forcefully ushered out by security.

March 14, Day 193

Attempted to divert the mind from the pressures of the climb by skiing. Inquired with Vail Associates, or VA--as the locals say--if they offer lift ticket discounts to Mount Everest climbers.  There was none.  Forced to spend $72 for a single day lift ticket I concluded that one cannot spell the word "value" without the letters VA. 

March 17, Day 196

Surprised to see that the spirit of St. Patrick's day is honored in such a remote mountain village as Beaver Creek. After spending the day drinking with a local whose idea of roughing it was driving a BMW without a cup holder I staggered to my tent and experienced a severe case of the Thermarest spins. 

March 21, Day 200

Day 200 of chasing Mount Everest and I'm still alive. To celebrate this milestone I huffed into a Dairy Queen during a blizzard and wowed the staff for my gift of irony by ordering a  Blizzard.  Goodness, this DQ ice cream treat truly is an irresistible taste sensation. 

March 29, Day 208

Attempted to hike at night by negotiating the stars. I fixed attention on the brightest star, the north star, but became lost when I learned I was only looking at a Texaco sign. 

April 1, Day 211

In honor of April Fools I tossed confetti instead of bread to a flock of ducks. Stupid birds.  They completely fell for my prank. I truly am the honcho of high jinks!

April 8, Day 218

Reached the mountain village of Glenwood Springs and pitched my tent in a place called KOA. When I inquired if KOA was a  Nepalese word for "king"  the proprietor, who spoke perfect English, whacked me across the shoulders while laughing and said, "Where you've been boy? It's an acronym for Kampgrounds of America."  At first I believed him.  But now I don't.  After lying uncomfortably in my tent  for the last hour I've concluded KOA stands for "Kamping on Asphalt." 

April 9, Day 219

Attempted to visit with some fellow trekkers staying at KOA with the hope of learning current weather conditions on Everest. All were lodged in massive Winnebago's, some large enough to apply for statehood. Spied one trekker, an older guy dressed in a gray-blue jumpsuit adorned with a Good Sams Club patch,--a mountaineering club, no doubt--sucking on air from an oxygen tank. "Wimp," I joshed, "save it for the summit"  He countered right back while maintaining a perfectly straight face, "I've got acute asthma, you fool!" The give and take jesting between us climbers truly is precious. 

April 11, Day 221

Pitched my tent under a tree and found a cache of chocolate Easter eggs, or what I called "seasonal energy bars."  Fearing parental reprisals I posted signs around my tent that read "Easter Egg Hunters Please Ask First." It worked.  I was not bothered.

April 28, Day 238

Reached the high desert village of Grand Junction.  To prove I was savvy to their culture I greeted every passing local with "namaste."  But everyone hurried by, some even ran as if fleeing from me, pretending they could not understand. What devilishly coy people!

April 30, Day 240

Interesting village customs in Grand Junction. As I rested on a park bench  several locals overcame their shyness to offer me gifts of empty aluminum cans. 

May 2, Day 242

Reached the Utah state line. Not sure, but I think I can barely make out Everest looming on the western horizon. I feel like Neil Armstrong descending the lunar module stairs knowing I'm about to wed destiny.  The only difference, of course, is that he enjoyed the luxury of riding in a cushy rocket ship for several days giving him the time to think of a pithy quote to memorialize the moment.  I bet if Armstrong faced the dangers I face he would have never found the time to think of that "One small step for man" line. What a showoff. You don't see me calling Houston every other minute to brag about what I'm doing. 

May 9, Day 249

I read this morning that curry towers as the favorite and predominant spice in the Nepal diet. And given my low tolerance for spicy food while in a Moab McDonald's this afternoon I repeatedly reminded the order taker "No curry on  my cheeseburgers. No curry." Not sure if the order taker understood English.  He eyed me with a half-smile-what-do-you-mean look before the manager reached across the counter, boxed me across the ears, and hissed in perfect English "Quit screwing with him jerk.  It's his first day!"  

May 12, Day 252

Visited Arches National Park.  What a joke.  The rangers tried convincing me that the Park's arches aren't manmade. Yeah, right. And I suppose the "pyramids" in Egypt are. Why must these people insist of taking me for being some kind of common idyot? 

May 18, Day 258

Reached the mountain village of St. George, Utah last night in ungodly heat. Exhausted, I pitched my tent in the dark at a poorly marked campground that only offered 18 sites.  I say poorly marked because this morning a series of fool golfers kept mistaking my tent site, number 17, for a golf hole. What dopes.

May 20, Day 260

The heady euphoria of becoming the first ever climber to approach Mount Everest's summit through Las Vegas prompted a hastily called news conference from in front of Circus Circus. Had hoped to use the occasion to thank my sponsor, Doug's Dairy Bar. I say hoped because not one media person showed. No doubt the media fears publicizing my feat for fear of prompting other less-qualified climbers to follow my radical approach. I truly am the merchant of menace!

May 22, Day 262

Move over Kenny Rogers, there's a new gambler in town.  Hauled in $9.65 on the nickel slots.  In my heady euphoria, however, I became drunk on 25-cent Singapore Slings.  Consequently, I mistook a pop machine for a slot machine  and after dropping 40-bucks into it "won" 37 cans of Doctor Pepper.  I'm now weighing the advantages of becoming the  first climber to summit Mount Everest with a backpack containing 37 cans of carbonated deliciousness. Hmmmm?  Maybe I should try phoning Reinhold Messner, the first climber to summit Everest without the aid of oxygen, for advice.

 May 23, Day 263

Contacted Messner. He threatened to set me on fire if I ever called him again. 

May 24, Day 264

Pondered Messner's abbreviated call.  His obvious jealousy convinces me to carry the 37 cans of Dr. Pepper to the summit. Once again I have upped the bar on daring.

Called my sister, Melissa, to wish her a happy birthday.  Oddly, she threatened to set me on fire if I ever called her again too.

June 2, Day 272

Currently camped along the the south face of a twin size bed in room 381 at Circus Circus. Oppressive conditions: instead of the usual 98 TV channels there are only 74. 

June 9, Day 279

Still in Vegas, but since my last journal entry have since moved my camp to the east face of room 381's twin size bed. A massive cold front in the form of a faulty air conditioner stormed this temporary base camp three days ago, catching me off-guard and leaving me shivering in my tent with flu-like symptoms. This morning, while gripped in foggy delirium, I mistook Rosey, an oriental cleaning lady for a Sherpa and demanded Everest updates. Frightened, she jabbed me in the spine with her vacuum's extension wand and shrieked "You no campy in room!"  I have since been warned by Circus Circus security security to be out of this base camp by 8AM tomorrow.  Lady Everest has once again exposed her unconscionable wrath.   

June 14, Day 284

This Nevada desert heat beats down upon me like Nevada desert heat.  I read that in the unlikely event of running out of fluids I should slice open a cactus for water.  Which, I imagine, would supply me with just enough strength to extract the cactus needles from my lips before dying.  

June 30, Day 300

Day 300 and still no Everest. Nevertheless I celebrated this milestone with an old fashioned campfire while eating smores for the first time. Damn are these sugar bombs addictive.  So much so I fear becoming the first Everest climber to not lose a toe to frostbite but to diabetes.   

July 9, Day 309

Crossed into California and then veered north to Mount Whitney--the tallest mountain in the contiguous United States--14, 494 feet. To cement my rank as the world's most daring climber I will summit it and Everest on the same expedition. In mere layman terms this will be the lofty equivalent of the Crocodile Hunter Guy wrestling an anaconda and a one-eyed hammerhead shark on the same afternoon.  Or in terms of absolute euphoric achievement the equivalent of a Georgia cracker attending the Daytona 500 and Dolly World on the same day.  I truly am the specter of spectacular!

July 14, Day 314

Reached the trailhead for Mount Whitney and immediately established a base camp in Comfort Inn's room 124--or at least attempted to. Management heaved me out for nailing a string of prayer flags in the hall outside of my base camp door. 

July 15, Day 315

Reestablished my Mount Whitney base camp in room 7 at Doug and Daisy's Wagon Wheel Inn.  Dreadful base camp conditions: the ice machine is out of order and the complimentary continental breakfast does not include carved roast beef. Will Lady Everest ever show mercy?

July 21, Day 321

After six days of pouring over Mount Whitney maps I've concluded there is no tram service to take me to the top. Hence, I will rely upon the strength of my legs and the will of my character to scale Whitney's summit of 14, 494 feet. I'd begin today but Oprah this afternoon has on the ever-perky Katie Couric.  

July 26, Day 326

Set out for Mount Whitney's summit at dawn.  So as to slowly acclimate myself to the looming altitude and avoid cerebral edema I limited today's ascent to 37 feet and established a new base camp in room 2, down the hall.  Exhausted.

August 6, Day 337

Talked with a forest ranger today about Mount Whitney's black bear situation.  Apparently he did not recognize me and took me for some king-idiot who has never camped before because for "protection" he gave me a bear bag and for "survival" one of those silver space blanket type things.   First of all, the bear bag is ridiculous. It is nice to know my crackers and oatmeal are safe hanging in a bear bag.  But bears also eat meat. I'm meat. And I'm on the ground. And in case the bear wants to save my carcass for leftovers he can then wrap me in the conveniently provided silver space blanket. These mountain people are world class jokesters. 

August 12, Day 343

I think I'm now sufficiently acclimated. I'd begin the hike today, but the WB Network is showing back-to-back episodes of the Gilmore Girls tonight. 

August 13, Day 344

Advanced 900 feet and established Base Camp 3 in Jellystone Campgrounds at site number 193. I may be wrong but I think I'm the first Mount Everest climber to ever include the words "Jellystone Campgrounds" in his expedition diary. Even after 344 days I continue to be a vanguard of raw courage.

To appease some rookie forest ranger's bear concerns  I armed myself with a can of pepper spray. Smart thinking: here comes a charging 600-pound black bear viewing me as a fresh chunk of meat and I spray seasoning at it.  

August 14, Day 345

Another forest ranger asked me to dangle a bear bell from my backpack.  Yeah. Right.  I hear a bell and I think of one thing: "Come and get it." Next they'll probably ask me to carry a triangle. 

 August 16, Day 347

Note to self: Don't mistake pepper spray for deodorant. Consequently, every time I raised my arms my eyes would  uncontrollably  well with tears. Stupid aerosol.  If a black bear would had attacked my only hope would had been to secure it in a headlock and induce the crazed beast  into inhaling. 

August 19, Day 350

After several days of rest I exited Base Camp 3 and established Base Camp 4 closer to the bathroom in Jellystone Campgrounds at site 371. Note to self: do not pitch tent on an incline, regardless of how slight. It turns the Thermarest into a log chute.  I slid off of it so many times my left cheek is raw with Thermarest burns. 

August 25, Day 356

Still at Base Camp 4 waiting for the weather to break on Mount Whitney.  Chilly northeast winds have dropped summit temperatures into the high 60s with a windchill of 57 degrees.  This is no time for reckless behavior. I truly am the Pillar of Patience!

August 31, Day 362

Note to self: never hoist a bear bag over a branch while camping next to a family from Mexico.  Within two seconds of raising the bag, they began whacking it with tall sticks thinking it was a piñata. 

September 3, Day 365

It is now exactly one year since I began scaling Everest and I have yet to spy even a glimpse of its summit. She continues to be one elusive lady.  To celebrate still being alive I exited Base Camp 4 and began my charge up Mount Whitney.  Or at least tried.  Made a wrong turn and veered into a Bible Camp full of kids sitting around a campfire telling Holy Ghost stories. 

September 9, Day 371

I scared a black bear and her cub up a tree.  Unfortunately, I happened to be in the tree first. Stupid bears. 

September 16, Day 378

Stupid bald eagles.  Why do they have to be so sensitive? I mistook one's nest for being a tree-elevated fire ring and almost had my eyes pecked out when I held a match to it. 

September 25, Day 387

I am now only 300 feet from Whitney's summit, which I estimate I can reach within five days. This altitude is beginning to impair judgment.  This morning I mistook a mountain lion for a robin. This understandable error did teach me something though: mountain lions don't  like having bread crumbs tossed at their eyes. Talk about holding a grudge.  It took six hours of me treading water in the middle of an alpine lake for the mountain lion's anger to finally subside and run off.  

October 3, Day 395

After almost three months since reaching Mount Whitney's base I triumphantly subdued its summit this morning, confirming my rank as the world's most dangerous explorer. I bet the folks at North Face are ruing the day they decided against sponsoring me. Touché, I say. My impossible conquest, however, was tempered by the absence of a souvenir shop on top.  Had hoped to snack on a log roll.  

October 7, Day 399

Always on the look out for a taste of indigenous mountain culture, I tried my hand at panning for gold at an authentic 1849 California mining camp called Maury's Go-Kart, Skee-ball and Mining Jamboree. I was handed a pie tin crusted with peach cobbler remnants and pointed to a slow moving creek the color of coffee.  I spent four hours swirling gravel in Mom Nature's jewelry box, but no eureka moments. Damn. In retrospect I think one has about as much chance of discovering gold as Margaret Thatcher has in being described as a "sex kitten." Pan for Gold--it sounds like a children's character was just traded for a Jewish guy.

October 17, Day 409

Shared a campfire with a family of five from Scottsdale, Arizona.  They introduced me to the world of smores. Delicious. After consuming 17 in two hours I now hesitate going to sleep for fear of slipping into a diabetic coma. Stupid fireside snacks.

October 24, Day 416

Stumbled into Sequoia National Park. Talk about being an overrated park. There are no roller coasters, Tilt-A-Whirls, or even a Whack-A-Mole game.  Nothing but a bunch of obese trees. As a goodwill gesture I attempted to upgrade the park's attraction level by using my celebrity status as the world's most dangerous explorer and cleaving my name into the biggest Sequoia  tree I could find with a circular power saw. But before I could begin one of the park rangers pistol whipped me across my spine with a flare gun. Stupid ranger. Everest continues to become more perilous by the day.   

October 25, Day 417

As a conciliatory gesture before exiting Sequoia National Park I hugged one of its fat trees.  Or at least tried. It was too wide to hug so it was more of a grope.  

October 30, Day 422

Established Base Camp 61 within 12,331 miles of Everest. Must keep my over-confidence in check.  I'm too close to Everest's summit now to be turned back  by complacency.

November 9, Day 432

The level terrain of California's San Joaquin Valley mocks my reputation for untamed danger. Fearing my granite-chipped reputation is at stake I'll sleep tonight with my hotel room door's chain lock unfastened.  I truly am the gaucho of guts!

November 14, Day 437

While doing laundry in the farming village of Soledad, just south of Monterey, I scheduled an impromptu photo-op with California's Governor Schwarzenegger,  but he never showed. I gave him 15 minutes notice too.  Apparently he's too busy legislating or something.  I thought maybe being seen next to me might help with his fame or give his image a rugged, tough guy appearance. His loss. 

 November 25, Day 448

Trekked into Salinas, the hometown, I was told, of some author named John Steinbeck.  I think he wrote The Drapes of Wrath, or something like that.  

Days 500 +

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