Cool Down: Dr. Ballyhoo, I Presume?

Pondering the meaning and differences of the terms "expedition" vs. "vacation."

By Jeff Wozer

The word expedition is the Frank’s RedHot Sauce of the English language. Add it to any outdoor endeavor—kayaking, camping, snowshoeing—and it immediately enhances it to sounding like a world-class adventure.

I reached this conclusion after attending a climbing presentation sponsored by an outdoor club. The speaker, a short, stocky guy with the body of a big toe, detailed with humdrum photos and monotone commentary a summit he and three longtime climbing buddies completed in the Canadian Rockies. During the presentation he repeatedly referred to the climb as an expedition when it sounded and looked more like a vacation among three friends enjoying an escape from middle-age responsibilities.

Whacko-Jacko, I thought. If he had advertised his trek as a climbing vacation, as opposed to a climbing expedition, would I, or anyone, had attended? In my case, no. But from a marketing standpoint it made pure sense.

The word expedition comes wired with its own National Geographic theme song soundtrack. Mention it and that uplifting song trumpets through the brain, igniting images of granite-chipped adventurers straddling spines of rock above mysterious jungle valleys populated with indigenous humans.

Mention the word vacation and the mind dims with visions of thick ankled couples dressed in polo shirts and wrinkle-free khaki shorts snapping photos of themselves slouching before a Welcome to Virginia road sign. 

As I pedaled home from the presentation other questions thumped through my skull: How many other noted expeditions, when shucked of the hype, were disguised vacations? And, ultimately, could embellishment be afoot in the outdoor adventure world?

I began researching expeditions, past and present, on the Internet and immediately recognized a trend. Until the mid-1900s expeditions possessed a clarity of purpose. Adventure-phenoms like Captain James Cook, Lewis and Clark, and Robert Peary defined and redefined the meaning of expedition, opening territories and minds with their daring and delving.

But over the last 40 years the adventure culture has become watered down. Now, or so it seems, the lone qualification is being photographed shouldering a backpack in the presence of peaks, puffins or penguins.

While scanning the archives of www.expeditionnews.com I was stunned by the volume of contrived adventures that were more stunt than expedition. Some of the memorable included: first person to circle Australia on a camel; youngest person to walk to the North Pole; and, my favorite, first person to cross the continental United States on a Segway HT.

Under this collective logic I could gain immediate expedition-fame by being the first person to paddle a canoe across Florida’s Lake Okeechobee.  

It’s as if an American Idol mindset stains the minds of some of today’s explorers. For just as contestants mistakenly believe chirping into a microphone automatically classifies them as talented artists, there are some marginal adventurers who assume any activity involving hobby-like transportation distinguishes them as legitimate expeditionary pioneers.

To help sift the true from the trite the planet needs a World Expedition Court, presided by the honorable Sir Edmund Hillary. There would be no hearings, only exams.

Each applicant would be required to answer a series of questions related to his or her specific endeavor. Questions like:

1) You hope the photos snapped on your trek will: A) Aid scientific research B) Inspire others into a life of adventure C) Attract new friends on MySpace.

2)You embarked on this adventure because: A) You wanted to bring attention to the Arctic’s diminishing ice shelves B) You wanted to study indigenous mountain cultures C) You wanted to further delay trying to find a real job.

3) While stargazing with your alleged scientific party: A) Every constellation in the Northern Hemisphere was identified B) Debate raged whether 51 Andromedae is part of the Magellanic Cloud Galaxy C) A commuter plane was mistaken for a meteor.

4) During your trek you devoted most of your time to: A) Gathering soil samples B) Collecting ice cores C) Snapping spirited photos of yourself with the hope of getting one published in Patagonia’s upcoming fall catalogue.  

5) The greatest scientific discovery made during your trek was: A) Concluding that Bering Sea tides are diurnal B) Finding ammonite fossils in Nepal’s Kali Gandaki valley B) Seagulls love Cheetos. 

Any wannabe answering “C” to any of the questions would be denied use of the word expedition for marketing purposes. And, as a penalty for wasting Sir Edmund Hillary’s time, get whacked across the shins with a Leki trekking pole.

Jeff Wozer ( www.jeffwozer.com ) works as a nationally touring stand-up comedian.